Hung

The new show on HBO being touted as the possible revival of the stagnant cable channel that has lost its touch on originality.  I was unimpressed with episode 1 but will give it the benefit of the doubt (since my DVR is already set up to record the series) and watch it one or two more times.

The concept is a high school coach running down on his luck.  When I say down it is amazing the guy hasn’t decided to jump off the closest bridge he can find.  He loses his wife to a dweeb, children go to live with his ex, house burns down, attorney moves in next door (don’t you hate those guys) and he can’t pay his property taxes.  The only thing going for him is the size of his penis which is apparently a nice long dong.  Reminds me of “Sixteen Candles” and the Asian character whose name was “Long Duck Dong”.

What is our preoccupation with the size of our sexual organs?  Everyone wants to see a 12 inch penis or breast the size of a truck.  Are we so preoccupied with everything being large that we lose the appreciation for romance?  If you take a poll of women which you find that given the choice of a romantic walk on the beach and a nice dinner with an average sized guy or a roll in the hay with a foot long which would they choose?  I can’t believe that women have lost all track of the definition of romance.  They coined the term to begin with.  I sometimes lose track of what romance really means, as do the majority of guys I would imagine.

Can you women give us a break and remind us now and then.  Give us some direction.  Not subtle hints either but simply lay out a list of the steps to break into a romantic evening.  Being simplistic in nature it is better not to leave anything to doubt.  Just tell us what to do and then let us take it from there.  I agree that takes some of the romance out of the situation but does it remove it completely?  It seems like that might be what the show is lacking.  I think it is going for the comedic slice but do we really want to watch a show that has a baseline premise on the size of a man’s cock?

Well, time will tell.  Who knows, maybe in a couple of months I will be writing about how great the show is  and the audience will take commercial breaks to measure our shlongs.  Isn’t there a saying that in the end as long as it is big enough to pleasure ourselves then life can’t be all that bad?  Are we simply lucky that we aren’t as flexible as dogs to begin with since we might not ever venture outside the confines of our shaded bedroom windows?  Ok, I have gone too far now.

Average show and with the demand on our time I doubt it goes too far but I for one will give it one more or possible two more inches, I mean tries and see what happens.  Thrusting myself down on Sunday nights to penetrate the atmospheric television static and hope that HBO knows what it is selling.  It seems like it might be coming up a little short as “Hung” will have a long way to go in matching ShowTime’s “Californication” for the sleazy innovative sexually explicit show of the year.

The Proposal

Starring Ryan Reynolds (who seems to be in every other movie this summer) and Sandra Bullock (who seems to have not been in a movie in about 10 years).  I will spend about as much time on this movie as the writers spent writing it.  OK, well I might have to spend a few more minutes otherwise I would already be done.  Calm down everyone.  I actually enjoyed the movie.  It was funny, heartwarming and made me laugh out loud on several occasions.  It just is the same formula that has been done about 100,000 times before.  Not that there is anything wrong with that but it should just set expectations.

Girl (Sandra Bullock) is Canadian and an overbearing boss.  Her assistant (Ryan Reynolds) falls into the wrong place at the wrong time and she informs him that to keep his job he will have to marry her so she doesn’t get deported.  That sets the tone of the movie which then leads up the marriage.  In between there are funny scenes that make you laugh and at times my girlfriend even cry but don’t expect the heartwarming storyline like a PS I Love You.  This movie is all about romantic comedy and it does come through in spades.  You don’t spend more than 10 minutes without at least a chuckle.

I will have to admit that even though I love Sandra Bullock her days of being the romantic comedy lead are coming to an end.  While she still holds the ability to hit her ques and make you laugh she might want to start the inevitable transition to romantic mom leads.  She was looking a little aged next to Ryan Reynolds who probably garnered more attention for his nude scene than she did.  When did this guy start buffing up?

Anyway, I would recommend this as a light hearted funny make you laugh summer movie which was its intentions so kudos to them.  It came through with the end goal and while it might make a better sit in your living room Comcast on demand type flick it is worthwhile seeing on a date as well.

The Dinner Party (Part I of VI)

                I had to drop off my middle daughters shoes and my oldest daughters book at their mother’s house and since we were driving close to the coast anyway it seemed like a good opportunity to do so.  It was a beautiful day and now approaching 5:30 PM we had spent the afternoon with Carina’s parents.  It is amazing to me the zest some people have for life and even though her father was in his seventies he was in SF for the weekend to get married.  I think it is fantastic to find somebody to spend the final few years with and I am happy that he feels comfortable making that commitment. 

                As we approached the house I called my middle daughter Amelia, “I am going to drop off your shoes and your sister’s book, where are you?” I said.  “I am not home she responds.  We are out shopping and will be going over to Aunt Tammy’s house for dinner so we won’t be home for a while.”  “That is fine” I say, “I will just drop them off at the front door and you can pick them up when you get home.”  “Huh?”  She responds.  “You can’t leave them at the front door.”  “We won’t be home for a long time.  You should have called me and told me you were going to come over to the house.  You will have to just come back and drop them off later.”

                 I sit staring at the phone trying to figure out how the mind of a twelve year old works.  I mean I live 45 minutes away from her mom’s house and she thinks that I can just drop by anytime and leave her shoes.  “Why can’t I just leave them on your front porch, or I can even drop them off at your Aunt Tammy’s if needed but I am not going to make another trip and drop them off if you don’t want them now.”  “Fine” she stammers in response.  “Leave them where you want, but next time you should call and ask me if we will be home before you drop off my shoes.”

                I again sit staring at the phone wondering whether I should be laughing at the exchange or getting angry.  Kids are so self absorbed when they approach the teenage years.  Yes it is a difficult time and you must hold your patience to the extent you possibly can but it is so trying.  “OK”, I say, “I will place them in the front door if it is open and if it is not I will simply put them in the mailbox.”  “How does that sound?”  “Fine” she utters again.  “Is that all?”  “Well, I love you” I say and hear her mumble out an “I love you too” before she says goodbye and then hangs up the phone.

                It is hard to remember but I try to understand that it is I who is doing her a favor and I know that deep down in the pit of her stomach she must be finding it difficult to say thank you.  Two words that seem to elude children in our society at large.  Thank You?  Are those words so foreign to the family dynamics of this century that we should stricken them from the dictionary or should we make an attempt to bring them back to the forefront of our lives and inject them back into our daily routine.

                Is being cordial so difficult that we have lost all concept of what being cordial is?  At what point in time did even the pretense of politeness evade the dinner conversation so the act of passing the salt was confrontational.  OK, I am now exaggerating.  For the most part my three girls are relatively polite but at times they live their lives challenging even the simplest of acts.  When I was a child if I spoke to my father in any way deemed inappropriate I would find myself facing the back of his hand as he reminded me the status of my life compared to his.

                In the times of today we are not allowed to even talk sharply to our kids let alone hit them in anger.  How many agencies do we have for children’s rights or animal rights or the rights of the little spotted frog that inflict more rules onto the family than one can keep track of.  Everyone seems to have rights but the average middle aged Caucasian man.  Somehow in the grand scheme of handing out special favors we got passed over by everyone and everything including a little damn frog.

                Carina starts laughing as she sits next to me calming me with her just her presence as she so often does.   Her being near me relaxes me with a serene happiness and in doing so she so often doesn’t need to say a word.  In this case, as luck would have it she doesn’t say much but her laughter speaks volumes with her inability to maintain her composure as she listens to my childlike conversation.  OMG, can it be possible that kids start out their day wondering if they can give you a heart attack as they test your self control.

                As I pull away from my ex-wife’s house I think of my buddy Tim and the fact that I haven’t seen him in several weeks.  I am so close to his house it seems to make sense to give him a call and see if he is home.  Carina hasn’t met him and it would be nice to start introducing her to my friends.  She is becoming such an important part of my life it is appropriate she starts sharing it in all aspects.  I am not sure that she is ready for what is to come but then again none of us in life are ready for everything and in most cases it is the curveballs that are the most intriguing aspects.

He’s Just not that Into You

Snuggling up on the couch and watching a romantic comedy.  It just doesn’t get any better than that.  Another movie about relationships that work, that need work, that are just beginning and are just ending, this movie depicts the gambit on the flow of connectivity between a man and a woman and how some things work and some things just turn to crap.  It is filled with stars and for the most part they come through leaving you both sad and happy from the many ups and downs that you experience.  My favorite is Jennifer Aniston and Ben Aflack as they struggle with being happy yet not having the commitment of marriage.  Even with my jaded past I still believe in the formal union process and hopefully someday will connect strolling back down that aisle.

The premise of the movie is that women have been programmed their entire lives (since childhood) to believe it is ok for men to treat them like crap.  From beginning adolescence when a boy will call a girl a name or push her down in the playground it is depicted as boys showing their affection for girls in the only way they know how, by being mean.  It is a funny take on life and gives the movie a unique twist when it is hard to have unique twists in our sensory overloaded techno age being inundated with media at all angles.  I would question if men are really as mean as they are made out to be in the movie.  Not all men are as confident as shown and the male vulnerability can be easily viewed by walking down any cubicle filled office of engineers.  It is amazing that any of them actually get married.

The flip side is when Scarlet Johansson goes after a married man in the movie with no qualms about his current status.  I mean isn’t her happiness more important that anyone else’s.  She continually strings along another man on the side the entire time showing you that there are some women out there in the world that can play the game as well as any man.

Interestingly enough the movie has some happy endings and some sad ones as not all the relationships work out.  It is a very entertaining movie and for all of you out there in the world who are dying to know the answer to the question at hand, yes I did cry.  It wasn’t an all out bawling mind you but the tear did fall a little down my check as I quickly wiped it away avoiding notice by my partner who was openly weeping her heart out.  I have to keep some semblance of my manliness right.  I agree even though it might only be a small semblance.  Just for the record we are still talking about my emotional state of being not anything physical.

This is yet again another movie that I would strongly recommend for the casual fun filled romantic evening curled up in front of your Comcast on demand DVR.  This kind of movie always works better with a couple of glasses of wine and somebody to share it with would be my only recommendation.

Can you love somebody too much?

Is it possible to spend too much time in bed?  Can you snuggle somebody for too long and hold them in your arms for what seems like endless hours of uninhibited joy?  What happens when your writing suffers, when you forget to eat dinner, when you look over at your dog that is rolling his eyes in disparagement because he has yet to be fed or watered for the day?  You attempt to move, to separate yourself from the metaphysical connection of your eternal embrace that seems to now be the sustenance of your very being.  Much as somebody on life support you feel your heart sputter at the thought of leaving behind that which you can never truly be separated from.  Even when you venture down to the garage and pour the food and water into the bright silver cylindrical bowls your mind is wandering back to the warmth and comfort of being at her side.

Her naked perfect body lying exposed with the quilt slightly covering her legs, exposing her breasts.  Her reflection shines slightly less than her smile as you return from your errand of necessity glancing in the mirror over the dresser.  You jump back into bed intertwining your bodies yet again as the feeling of completeness echoes throughout the room from your physical bonding of passion.  Leaving her side is always the hardest thing you can do every single day and only the knowledge of returning keeps your mind from exploding in a million fragments into space.  If there were truly a God how could he inject you into a world where you were not allowed to spend every waking moment staring deep inside the vast cataclysmic beautiful bluish grey eyes.

Her flawless skin melts as you rub your fingers down her arm grasping her fingers in yours while you admire the barrage of freckles that graces her entire body.  You love the freckles that sporadically bombard her being keeping her innocence while humanizing her into the perfectly wrapped present you have dreamt of since you first saw her three years ago.  She might misplace things as she frequently loses track of valuables but you realize her imperfections are the very things that make her perfect.  Her softness as she touches you makes you gasp for air as you struggle to control your speech in the throngs of passion with your only desire that you keep this connection for all eternity.

I continue to struggle with the question.  Is it possible to love somebody too much?  To desire somebody beyond what is healthy.  To spend so much time embracing them that everything else loses its importance.

I will leave it for you to answer for yourself.  My answer is unequivocally no.  The emotional physical connection of love should be all consuming.  Passionate but positive.  Supportive in nature and uplifting in life.  If you lose yourself in time with the one that you love then you have finally felt what love should be.  Enjoy those precious moments of bliss.  She is your soul and without her what would life really be but an empty void.

Teenagers do Grow up

I was driving over after work to pick my kids up from their mother’s house yesterday.  Ever since our last court appearance their mother and I quote “will never drive them to my house again”, “EVER”.  She lost a pretty hefty ruling in the divorce settlement and the word bitter has never been more appropriate.  Ironically it is ending up exactly like I had told her it would.  Sadly for her, since I had offered her so much more in the beginning but as in our marriage she didn’t listen to me then so why would she ever listen to me now.

Anyway that was not the point of the story.  On the way back to my house my 15 year old daughter was sitting in the front seat and she as in most people who know me was asking why in the world I was so happy.  I am really beginning to wonder how sad I must have been as everyone, and I mean everyone who knows me continues to talk about my surge in joviality.  I tried to answer in a vague way but my daughter is rather bright and she honed in on the answer quickly enough but her response to my reason for happiness is what surprised me.  She stated “dad, I am glad for you.  If it makes you happy then I think that is fantastic”.

How mature is she getting?  She could have been upset or questioned my newfound catalyst for exuberant joy but instead she simply stated that she wanted what was best for me.  My heart almost melted as I told her that might have been the nicest thing she has ever said to me.  I am not sure what the future holds in the next few months but that moment was fantastic.  I am well aware that it will be difficult for her as our family continues to transition.  I also feel she is progressing in her growth and is beginning to recognize that life metamorphoses before your very eyes and while we are powerless to stop it we can embrace it if we try.

How can it possibly get any better than having three beautiful girls in my life that will always be there for me and who will love me completely and totally?  The only thing that I can think of would be possibly having four or five or ok that might be it.  I am not sure that I can handle much more than that.  I love them and all but by the end of things I will be having my own drama team and there is only so much drama one house can take.

Dan In Real Life

In keeping with my normal motif I seem to review most movies well over a year after they were released.  That being said my reviews are more about life than just the movie itself so there are always additives to the review that will take it into a unique area.

Dan In Real Life is a great movie.  Fantastic.  The premise is about a man (writes a dear abbey article for a living) whose wife has died and he is raising his three daughters on his own.  Now while I am divorced and share custody with my kids I can relate to the movie in a personal way.  The movie starts out where the middle daughter is dealing with boyfriend issues and Dan (The Father) cannot and won’t deal with any form of relationships with his middle daughter at that age.  I only wish my older daughter listened to me as well.

The middle daughter one day announces that she is in love with her new boyfriend and upon questioning it is revealed that she knew she loved him after only three days.  Can anyone say OMG.  Some of us go a lifetime and we are not sure if we know what true love really is.  Some of us might not ever know true love.  Three days?  Is she insane at the ripe age of 12 or 13 (guessing here).  Flash forward as Dan takes his three daughters to a cabin where his family meets every year and vacations for a week.  Dan meets a woman (I won’t tell you the entanglement portion of the movie) and ends up falling in love.  Can you guess the punch line.  Yes, in three days.

OK, we all know that this is the movies and we all know that it is impossible to fall in love in three days yet………  I often periodically reference the book “Blink” in my writing and the premise of that book is instantaneously making decisions that are correct.  The theory is our brain is preprogrammed with so much knowledge that it acts like a computer and if we listen to it then we will be guided down the correct path.  Moral DON’T OVERTHINK THINGS.

So that would lead you to believe it is possible.  I know that I love my kids, I know that I love my dogs, I at one point felt something for my ex-wife but that has changed or I at a minimum was wrong, beyond that it is hard to say.  How do we know what love is?  Is it the puppy dog stuff or the real no matter what you do I will always be there for you?  Is it a connection that is unexplainable?  Is it preordained that you wonder through life until you find the one person you are connected with?  Is it somebody you are attracted to and you simply work at making it through the tough times and enjoy the person through life.

I have no idea but I know what I think.  Shhhhhh, it is a secret.

Great movie though for the sappy love struck sensitive types which apparently I am becoming more in tune with every day.

PS I Love You

I am now watching PS I Love You for about the 100th time.  OK, I know I am a man and in most of my blogs somewhat of a jerk as I hide the truth deep down in the pits of my sweaty arms not showing the sad little boy curled up inside.  blahhhhh, oh well.  Maybe it is true.  I love this movie and I am not afraid to admit that it makes me cry.

YES I SAID IT MAKES ME CRY.  Not being a huge Hillary Swank fan, I was amazed out how much I fell in love with her doing this movie.  She is perfectly cast as the spunky pain in the ass wife who can’t control her passion as it escapes in the form of annoyingly driving you crazy at times.  She has the perfect man who unfortunately meets some trouble and oh well, if you haven’t seen it yet I don’t want to destroy the premise.  If you haven’t seen it yet you probably live in some hole somewhere as it was out over a year ago.

The movie is a little sappy butit keeps you engaged and it lands some body punches now and then which for me means a small tear escaping from its hiding place as it makes its way down my cheek.  In most cases my blogs would now jump to a stalking premise ending in death or some sarcastic comment about how life was just a bunch of shit that needed scraped off the street but this movie keeps me grounded.  It reminds you that life is just life and there are many times when things happen that are just not fair but you need to pick yourself up off the ground and stay in the game.

You only get one shot as I have said many times so do your best.  If you can’t do that well then at least drink a lot and you might just be to numb to know the difference.  Either way you choose is fine by me as I don’t know who the hell you are anyway.

My suggestion is if you like romantic comedies then this is a must see.  Filled with sadness and romance with a few surprises and a great character played by Lisa Kudrow who utters the perfect line when she states “Well, I guess he just didn’t love you as much as us”.  Love this movie and I am not ashamed to say it.  I don’t want to ever walk a cat where anyone alive can see me but I am man enough to profess my love for the Irish in all of us.

How many times can you say the word “love” in a review?

This one gets a five out of five on the hot damn-o-meter.  That is good if you can’t tell.